Why You Should Never Judge A Person’s Life From The Outside

My reflections after reading Mariah Carey’s memoir

“Your life is perfect,” my friend recently said to me. It made me shudder with a mix of anger and confusion. While I am a self-help writer and most often talk about motivation and positivity, my life is far from perfection. It made me stop and wonder, have I not done a good enough job expressing my hardships? Or perhaps, it’s the fun filtered photos I tend to post that portray this illusion that living life in New York City is all glitz and glamour. Should I start complaining more about my problems or slap up a selfie the next time I cry?—because my life is anything but perfect.

The whole concept got me thinking that we all do it. We all formulate this idea of what a person’s life entails. It happens with someone we see on social media that we don’t know intimately or with someone we admire and accidentally place on a pedestal. We take quick screenshots in our minds solely from what we perceive, the pictures we scroll by, or what we dig up on social media. But the view of our lives outside looking in is never the same lens through which we view our own. The emotions and feelings we experience are intimately ours.

Photos can be filled with misconceptions, and this is important to understand. Nobody goes without problems, and everyone has their bubble of demons we would love to pop and have it all disappear.

While I wasn’t mad at my friend for shooting that theory my way, I quickly shut it down. Then I realized I do it too. There have been plenty of times I think I know the details of someone’s life or believe that someone has it all together. That is until we can truly understand what’s going on behind the scenes. I think it’s safe to say we primarily do it with celebrities or people who seemingly look like they have it all, but what do we know?

Recently I was handed a copy of Mariah Carey’s memoir, The Meaning Behind Mariah Carey.  While I don’t mind singing along to the occasional hit, I wouldn’t call myself a dying fan. For that reason, I am glad someone else gave me the book. Honestly, I am not sure if I would have read it, but because it was a memoir, I decided to give it a chance.

Here is what I love about a memoir—I idolize how the pages peel back the layers of who a person is. The words magically unravel, slowly letting out a story of what goes on behind closed doors. In Maria’s book, after all these years, at last, no media was trying to change her story. The words weren’t coming from a different point of view to fluff in some extra nonsense; it is the truth straight from the eyes and heart of Mariah.

While I grew up listening to Maria on the radio, I never knew anything about her personal or family life. I formed the idea that she was a fun-loving successful diva singer. I scrounged this idea up from occasionally seeing her on TRL, an MTV video, or dressed to impress on award shows. With an abundance of success, wealth, beauty, more #1 hits than any other solo artist—what else is there?

As it turns out—A LOT.

Even when we think we know a person, or in this case a famous person, like Mariah Carey, we hold in our minds an image of who we believe a person is or imagine what their life must be like. I thought someone like Mariah had it all, and I never really thought otherwise.

I knew the book would reveal who she is, sans mask and censorship. Before I began reading, I asked myself what image have I formed in my mind because I knew I would never think of her the same way again.

As I read the pages, all I kept thinking to myself was, “wow.”

Here is a woman who has experienced it all. Pain. Trauma. Racism—and I had no idea.

The beauty knows what domestic violence looks like and feels like in her heart. It’s this kind of trauma that someone looking from the outside may not necessarily think about when you spot Carey on a cover of a magazine.

Carey was also muddled with an immeasurable amount of pressure from the industry, brutal moments in her relationships, and grew up with the confusion of being biracial. Furthermore, she was victim to her peers’ discrimination when they found out her father was not white like they had thought.

While she had few glimpses of joy in her childhood, many of her family memories were dark and complicated. One disturbing memory revealed at 12 years old her sister inflicted her with third-degree burns.

Regardless if you are a fan or not, it’s a book I would recommend. If you are looking to overcome adversity, want to build tenacity, or, more importantly, crave the courage to believe in yourself, the book encompasses it all. I believe each of us can somehow relate to Mariah, whether it be surviving a terrible relationship, family struggles, or racism. Or the mere fact to acknowledge what we all have in common; pain and hardships.

And no matter what a person’s life looks like on the outside, let’s never formulate a misconception by their “cover.”

Each of us has a story—our story. The lens we use to judge others’ lives shouldn’t exist at all.